[00:00:00] Speaker A: WWTC, Minneapolis St. Paul FM one hundred seven point five K two hundred Ninety eight Co. Minneapolis intelligent radio with SNRN News. I'm Bob Acnew in Washington. Could be some fireworks soon over the issue of legal immigration and also the federal budget. House Republicans proposing their own bill to avoid a government shutdown. Lawmakers return to Washington next week, and they're not close to completing work on the dozen annual appropriations bills that will fund government agencies during the next fiscal year. So they'll need to approve a stopgap measure to prevent a shutdown when that fiscal year begins October 1. House Republicans have unveiled legislation that would fund the government until late March, when a new president and Congress would have final say. But they've also added a hot button immigration issue requiring states to obtain proof of citizenship, such as a birth certificate or passport, when someone registers to vote. That's a non starter in the Senate, and democratic leaders there warn it greatly increases the odds of a shutdown. Then Thomas Washington, more of these
[email protected]. dot Mike Gallagher sees a shift in momentum new polling suggests that the Democrats did not get their post convention bump.
[00:01:15] Speaker B: That they had hoped for.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: I say be steady, stay strong, be confident. Don't be cocky. But as I predicted, politically speaking, the Democrats are going to enjoy August. We're going to enjoy September and October. The Mike Gallagher show weekdays at eight on am 1280, the Patriot intelligent radio.
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[00:02:03] Speaker D: Enter the $13,000 gas and groceries giveaway sweepstakes.
[00:02:07] Speaker C: Go to am 1280 the patriot.com.
[00:02:10] Speaker A: To enter. That's am 1280, the patriot.com dot al Momberg here. Sunday morning, we're going to discuss a part of history that most of us have never heard of when we welcome Peter Lablocki to the world of aviation. This story involves an american flag that Admiral William Perry flew over Tokyo harbor in 1853. And then again, it was flown in 1945 when the Japanese surrendered to end World War two. How that flag arrived is an incredible story. Join Peter and me Sunday morning at 1005 on the world of aviation right here on am 1280. The Patriot since your child spends most of their day at school, it's important to consider the influence a school has on their life. In a recent national survey, more than 70% of educators said that students misbehave more now than before the pandemic. Christian schools work to foster kindness, respect and responsibility every day. Would you like a christian education for half price? Check out schools like foundations Christian Academy, Laurel Community School and Heritage Christian Academy on twinctiestuitions.com to apply for half price tuition today.
How does the baby move in your tummy?
[00:03:21] Speaker C: How does the baby eat?
[00:03:22] Speaker A: Can the baby hear me?
[00:03:24] Speaker B: How did the baby get in there?
[00:03:26] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:03:26] Speaker C: A pregnancy can sure generate a lot of questions. But what, what's important is that a baby is a baby inside and out of the womb, not just after birth, but nine months before at conception.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: That's right. Every baby is a miracle. Hello, my name is Marianne Koharsky. I'm the director of pro life across America. If you know someone who is pregnant or in need of alternatives or assistance, or would like to support the work of pro life across America, please visit our
[email protected] or better yet, simply dialb 250 on your cell phone and say the key word pro life across America. America's non political and totally educational.
[00:04:04] Speaker B: A baby's heart is beating 18 days.
[00:04:07] Speaker A: From conception need a roof? Jtr roofing neat siding? Jtr roofing how about windows? Jtr roofing call JTr roofing for any of your home exterior needs serving the Twin Cities area in western Wisconsin. Jtr roofing is your one stop shop for all things exterior, residential or commercial, big or small, JTR roofing has you covered.
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The following program was pre recorded and the views expressed do not necessarily represent those of this station or its management. This is open your eyes radio with Doctor Kerry Gelb.
[00:05:24] Speaker B: Good morning. I'm Doctor Kerry Gelb, and welcome to Beatty. On open your eyes radio. Please listen as I discuss the newest information in the world of health, nutrition and sports every Saturday morning 06:00 a.m. central time on am 1280. The Patriot. Also, please share your thoughts by emailing
[email protected]. that's drkerrygelb mail.com and visit my new website, wellness 1280 dot, where we have all guest links. Wellness 1280 info previous shows Wellness is taking over the Patriot Airways. For the next hour, sit back and enjoy my conversation with psychologist Doctor Steven Sidorov. According to the American Institute of Stress, 77% of Americans experience stress that impacts their physical health and 73% feel stress that impacts their mental health. Yet according to a Gallup poll, only 23% of american adults report visiting a mental health professional within the past year. Our guest today, Doctor Steven Sidorov, an expert in helping people overcome stress. Doctor Sidoroff is a professor at the UCLA Giffen School of Medicine, a clinical psychologist, consultant, researcher and author whose groundbreaking work has empowered countless individuals to build stronger and more adaptive minds and bodies. In his book, the nine Pillars of resilience, Doctor Sidoroff offers a comprehensive roadmap for navigating life's challenges with grace and strength. From emotional balance to physical health, these pillars form a foundation for living a resilient life in today's fast perished world. Today, Doctor Sidorov will share these pillars with us and guide us in cultivating resilience in our daily lives. So whether we're facing stress, adversity, or simply looking to enhance our well being, this episode is packed with valuable insights you won't want to miss. Doctor Sidoroff, welcome to wellness 1280 on open your eyes radio with Doctor Kerry Gelb.
[00:07:42] Speaker D: Well, thank you, Doctor Gelb. It's a pleasure to be here. I'm looking forward to our conversation.
[00:07:48] Speaker B: Doctor Sudorov, I read your book, and it's a book everybody should have. It's 400 pages, but you don't have to read the whole thing at one time. You can read bits and pieces, and I've taken bits and pieces out. And toward the end of the book, it was pillar two, I believe, is having a better relationship with others. You talked about the Gottman ratio for a good relationship, and I've been fascinated by what that Gottman ratio. Can you explain to the audience the Gottman ratio, how I could get along better with my wife and my producer, Melissa could get along better with her husband, my friend Joel.
[00:08:27] Speaker D: Sure. And that's a good place as any to start. And John Gottman is a psychologist at the University of Washington. He spent years studying couples, and he actually has a laboratory that is an apartment, and couples would go there and spend a few days there with cameras in every room. So he's able to monitor their interactions. And one of the primary findings that he made was that healthy relationships have a ratio of 20 to one, positive to negative interactions. And when that ratio drops down to about five to one, the relationship is in trouble.
And so I've taken that finding and I've applied it in my own work, first to our relationship with ourself and then to our relationship with others, as he does. And so I ask people to monitor their internal dialogue. How do they talk to themselves and ask them to monitor and determine, are they at 20 to one, positive to negative? Orlando, perhaps five to one? Well, what I find with many of us, in fact, our ratios are more one to five, positive to negative. In other words, a lot of us have a relationship with ourselves in which we do not treat ourselves as good as we should be. And then I apply it in pillar number two, to relationship with others so that we start to notice what is the quality of our relationships. So the goal is to spend more time with people in which we have this 20 to one relationship and discriminate and spend less time with people who can be judgmental. Critical, because our environment is very important in terms of whether we stay in a place of resilience and balance. If we are in relationships where we have to be on guard, we have to worry about what the other person is thinking. That's going to trigger our stress response. On the other hand, if we're in relationships where we feel safe and comfortable, we can let down our guard. And in those relationships, we get what I refer to as emotional nourishment. And so in pillar two, you want to be making sure you're in relationships in environments in which you are getting emotional nourishment and not having to put your guard up as much as possible.
[00:11:09] Speaker B: You know, since I've read your book, I've been trying to practice that with my wife, and I've been saying very positive things and trying to do positive things. And I have to tell you, it really works. It's really helped my relationship with my wife, and I've used it with my kids, and I've used it with my employees as well. And I think it helps with everything. Now, you brought up an interesting point. There are certain people that are negative Normans. Whenever you're around them, they're so negative. Do you have as a psychologist, somebody who's thought about this for many, many years? Why are some people so negative?
[00:11:47] Speaker D: Well, that's a very good question. And our style develops out of our lessons of childhood. And so we learn how to be in the world based on our little home environment growing up as a child, we don't go out and sample hundreds of families to see what's the best way to be. We assume that that small world that we grow up in is representative of the larger world, even though it isn't. And so unconsciously, we adapt to the lessons of our family, of our parents. We model their behavior, and if they're negative toward us, that's what we learn and that's how we learn to be, and that's how we learn to be toward ourselves. And when we grow up and become adults, we don't go, oh, okay, let me try a different way. We continue in that pattern because we simply assume it's the right way to be. We don't know any better. And most importantly, our brain literally develops neural circuitry based on those lessons. So we have an internal voice that can be negative, critical and judgmental. And the way I train people to address this is to give them the qualities of a healthy internal parent. And the qualities of a healthy internal parent are love. Coming from a place of love, compassion, acceptance, support and care.
[00:13:23] Speaker B: You know, a lot of people are in a relationship where their spouse nags. Why does somebody nag constantly?
[00:13:30] Speaker D: Well, again, if you, if you're growing up in an environment where that's something that you learn, it's normal and automatic for you to do it in your, in your adult life and with the people you're with because you think that's the normal way, you don't consciously think it. You just follow the way you were taught. And that's why one of my keys to resilience is a growth mindset, pillar number five. And that's realizing that there's some lessons that you've learned that you have to learn differently as an adult.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: And how about facial expressions? How important are they?
[00:14:07] Speaker D: You know, it's interesting about facial expressions because they transmit what's going on inside of us and we unconsciously pick up those signals. So someone that has a frown, we think, oh, there must be something wrong. Maybe I did something wrong. If someone has a smile, it makes us feel more safe and more comfortable. And this projection of our facial expression, the tone of our voice, is embedded in our evolutionary process. It's automatic. And so it's very important that we notice how we speak and how we approach other people because it has an unconscious impact on others.
[00:14:52] Speaker B: This is Doctor Kerry Gill. You're listening to wellness 1280 on open your eyes. Radio on am 1280, the patriot. We're speaking with doctor Steven Sederov. His book the nine Pillars of resilience. We'll be right back after the break.
[00:15:13] Speaker C: I went to the eye doctor the other day with my daughter Maggie. I was shocked when the doctor told me that my daughter was already becoming nearsighted. It turns out that this problem affects more than 40% of Americans. My eye doctor thinks this disease is getting worse. Perhaps its getting worse because of kids prolonged time spent playing with smartphones or maybe because kids now spend less time outside my genetics probably arent helping her a whole lot being nearsighted myself. But the good news is that the doctor told me about a new FDA approved product called Mysite. This specific one day contact lens is already worn by thousands of children in the US. It is proven to slow down the progression of nearsightedness. And best of all, Maggie loves these contact lenses. The doctor taught her how to use them. Now it is so exciting to see her have even more success in the classroom and when she plays sports. I recommend you visit openyoureyesradio.com to find an eye doctor that specializes in this treatment program. Learn
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[00:17:13] Speaker C: Went to the eye doctor the other day with my daughter Maggie. I was shocked when the doctor told me that my daughter was already becoming nearsighted. It turns out that this problem affects more than 40% of Americans. My eye doctor thinks this disease is getting worse. Perhaps it's getting worse because of kids prolonged time spent playing with smartphones. Or maybe because kids now spend less time outside. My genetics probably aren't helping her a whole lot. Being nearsighted myself. But the good news is that the doctor told me about a new FDA approved product called Mysite. This specific one day contact lens is already worn by thousands of children in the US. It is proven to slow down the progression of nearsightedness. And best of all, Maggie loves these contact lenses. The doctor taught her how to use them. Now it is so exciting to see her have even more success in the classroom and when she plays sports. I recommend you visit openyoureyesradio.com to find an eye doctor that specializes in this treatment program. Learn
[email protected] dot.
[00:18:15] Speaker B: I'm back with doctor Steven Sidoroff, psychologist. His book, the nine pillars of resilience, the proven path to master stress, slow aging, and increased vitality. You know, in your book, there's a great quote. I love this quote by Maya Angelou, who is an american author, poet, I guess an activist as well. And what Myers said was that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but they won't forget how you made them feel. Please go into that in a little detail.
[00:18:49] Speaker D: Yeah, absolutely. And that quote comes from my 6th pillar, which is emotional balance and mastery. And a lot of times, particularly in our childhood, where we're not allowed or we don't feel safe enough to express all of our feelings. Feelings don't go away on their own. And if they're not addressed, they get pushed down and they're staying there, and they have energy to them. Emotions, in fact, motion, is the root of emotion. And so we have this energy inside of ourselves that we've pushed down. And I believe that a lot of depression comes from people pushing down their emotions and literally creating holding patterns in our body. When you create holding patterns, it interferes with the flow of energy in your body. So it not only creates depression, but it also interferes with feeling positive emotions, such as joy, that require a full expression of your body. And so what's very important is to be aware of your emotional unfinished business. A lot of us carry these feelings of resentment, of anger, of sadness. And it's very important to pay attention, notice what they are, and work toward resolving these unfinished feelings. Unfinished business. Sometimes we have them from feelings from childhood. Sometimes they're from yesterday or last month. And in my book, I go through a regular process of how you go through the process of experiencing, expressing, and then letting go of those feelings. Even if it's with someone who's no longer in your life, those feelings still need to be addressed. And so when you numb your feelings, it's very difficult to be fully expressive with other, other people. And that's what really makes connections between us and others is how we feel toward each other.
[00:20:55] Speaker B: Talk to me about the concept of toxic people and removing them from your life. Is it something that you should do? Will it make you better? Someone who every time you're around them, they're going to criticize whatever you say.
They're going to argue with you about every word that you have to say? And when does it come to a point where it's time to say, look, this toxic person, I have to remove them from my life, so I worry about myself and not trying to please this person anymore?
[00:21:25] Speaker D: Well, that's a very good question. And we come across people like this throughout our lives. And when we have a choice, it's always better to choose people who are more loving and caring versus people who could be critical and toxic. But sometimes we don't have the choice. I say to people in my audience to discriminate those who are, say, toxic versus those who are healthy. And I get a chuckle in the audience because sometimes that person could be their mother, father, or somebody who they can't get away from their boss or someone that they work with.
So first is to try and limit those interactions, those relationships. But when you can't, it's still important for a person to set up a psychological boundary. And by that I mean I realize that person is negative, but I'm not going to let myself be affected by their judgments, their criticism. And I'm going to set this psychological boundary wherever those comments bounce off of that boundary that I set and go back to them. And so it's always our responsibility. Sometimes it means saying no to somebody when they're asking for something that really doesn't feel right to us. And a lot of times in my practice and with clients, I have to help them be strong enough to be able to say, no. I'm not going to allow you to talk to me that way. So this is very important. We want to limit the time with people who are toxic, negative, and when we're not able to, the first step is to give them feedback, let them know how you feel and see if they listen and make adjustments, which would be ideal. And if they don't make the adjustments, then you either make sure you set that boundary or you limit your time with that person.
[00:23:34] Speaker B: And in your book, you talk about relationships, little strategies that you could do, and you just kind of touched on it a little bit that make you feel uncomfortable. The I statements, if you could talk.
[00:23:45] Speaker D: A little bit about that, certainly in relationships, a lot of times we will be accusatory when we're upset about something that someone else did or said.
It's very important that if you're really wanting to give feedback that may create change in the other person, feedback that you want them to hear.
If you're accusatory, they're going to become defensive and they're going to be less likely to hear what you have to say and they're going to try and defend themselves. So what I always encourage people to do is to use I statements. This is when you do this, this is how it makes me feel. Now, the other person is not, can't argue with your feelings. If you talk about you did this wrong, they can argue about that. But when you say it made me feel, I felt hurt when you said that. They can't argue with your feelings. Feelings are subjective, and we all have a right to our own subjective feelings. And the other important part here is if you have a feeling, it's important to remember there isn't any right or wrong with feelings. You have that right to feel whatever you feel in a situation. So by feeling like I have that right, I can have a more solid position to stand on. But I still want to come from, this is how I feel when you say this or that.
[00:25:22] Speaker B: And you also have guidelines for a good relationship. If you could talk about some of those guidelines that you have in your book.
[00:25:29] Speaker D: Yes. And, you know, earlier I talked about the qualities of a healthy internal parent, you know, coming from a place of love, acceptance, compassion, support, care and joyous. Well, those are the guidelines for a healthy relationship as well. And it's sort of like the golden rule where you want to treat other people the way you would like them to treat yourself. And so I'm going to treat people from this positive, loving, caring, supportive way where my goal is for that person to be successful, that person to feel good. And if I have those as my intentions, I'm going to talk and speak in a really good manner that supports the both of us and the relationship.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: And you talk about creating safe zones. Tell me what that is.
[00:26:28] Speaker D: Yes. So I invite you to think about and your audience to think about their day. And if you, if you kind of go through your day, you'll realize that your day is a succession of handling stressful situations. It could be a relationship. There's a conflict, it could be a deadline, it could be worrying about paying a bill.
But we go through our days going from one situation to another in which we activate our stress response.
Now, we don't have unlimited amounts of energy. And every time we have a situation, we activate and mobilize our bodies. So every cell in our body acts as a little company in and of itself, a device to produce energy, a machine to produce energy. And we can use up the resources of our bodies by going from one stress to another, activating the sympathetic branch of the nervous system. So we have to find opportunities to recover the resources and energy of our body, and that's by going into this parasympathetic recovery mode. But if you think about your day, a lot of stimuli trigger stress, but how many trigger safety, relaxation? If you're like me, there are really no times in the day that will automatically do that. So we have to create them. We have to look for zones of safety times and places in our day, in our lives in which we could say, I'm safe, I could let down my guard. And I encourage people at the very least when they sit down for a meal, for lunch, dinner, to remind themselves, while I'm eating, I'm safe, I could let down my guard, which also turns out to be good for the digestive process as well.
[00:28:36] Speaker B: And if we move to parenting tips, you have some parenting tips in the book, how to talk to your kids, to have a better relationship with your kids. Now, I know that being a parent of a five year old is different than being a parent of a ten year old. Even though I'm not changing much, the kid is changing. And then a parent of a 15 year old and a parent of a 20 year old and then a parent of an adult. But if you give some parenting tips of a young child and then as they get older, rather than say, well, don't do that, don't do this, there are better ways to talk to them.
[00:29:14] Speaker D: Well, yes, I really advise people to look more for the positive behaviors of your child that you can reinforce and encouraging them to do more of those rather than to be judgmental, critical and negative. In fact, I encourage people not to be judgmental and critical because children learn to treat themselves based on how their parent is treating them. So you want to set boundaries on your children, but you want those boundaries to be wide enough.
[00:29:49] Speaker B: We're speaking with doctor Steven Sidoroff, psychologist. His book, the nine pillars of the proven path to master stress, slow aging and increase vitality. This is Doctor Kerry Gove. You're listening to wellness 1280 on open your eyes radio.
[00:30:12] Speaker C: I went to the eye doctor the other day with my daughter Maggie. I was shocked when the doctor told me that my daughter was already becoming nearsighted. It turns out that this problem affects more than 40% of Americans. My eye doctor thinks this disease is getting worse. Perhaps it's getting worse because of kids prolonged time spent playing with smartphones, or maybe because kids now spend less time outside. My genetics probably aren't helping her a whole lot being nearsighted myself. But the good news is that the doctor told me about a new FDA approved product called Mysite. This specific one day contact lens is already worn by thousands of children in the US. It has proven to slow down the progression of nearsightedness. And best of all, Maggie loves these contact lenses. The doctor taught her how to use them. Now it is so exciting to see her have even more success in the classroom and when she plays sports. I recommend you visit openyoureyesradio.com to find an eye doctor that specializes in this treatment program. Learn more at openyoureyesradio.
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[00:32:11] Speaker C: To the eye doctor the other day with my daughter Maggie. I was shocked when the doctor told me told me that my daughter was already becoming nearsighted. It turns out that this problem affects more than 40% of Americans. My eye doctor thinks this disease is getting worse. Perhaps it's getting worse because of kids prolonged time spent playing with smartphones, or maybe because kids now spend less time outside. My genetics probably aren't helping her a whole lot being nearsighted myself. But the good news is that the doctor told me about a new FDA approved product called my this specific one day contact lens is already worn by thousands of children in the US. It is proven to slow down the progression of nearsightedness. And best of all, Maggie loves these contact lenses. The doctor taught her how to use them. Now it is so exciting to see her have even more success in the classroom and when she plays sports. I recommend you visit openyoureyesradio.com to find an eye doctor that specializes in this treatment program. Learn
[email protected] Dot we're back with doctor.
[00:33:14] Speaker B: Steven Sidoroff, internationally renowned psychologist, professor at the UCLA Giffen School of Medicine. His book, the nine Pillars of resilience. And we're talking about parenting tips that anybody that has kids, we all need parenting tips. We're talking about dealing with five year olds, being a parent of a five year old, a ten year old, a 15 year old, college age and even a 30 year old. So help us with that.
[00:33:41] Speaker D: Doctor Sidorov right, right. So the most important thing when you're raising a child is for them to feel loved.
When a child feels like they are loved and accepted and validated by their parents, it makes it more difficult for a parent to go wrong.
So I want to start with that lesson. And what's important when you have to criticize, when you have to tell a child that they're doing wrong, you want to be very careful that you let them know that their behavior was wrong, that they are not wrong. You want to make that distinction because a lot of children will automatically feel there's something wrong with me. So you can criticize a particular behavior, but you want to be careful that it's not, you're stupid.
Well, first of all, you want to avoid all name calling completely as a child gets older. One of the keys to being able to communicate in a way that the child is open to hear what you have to say is always to start out with something that connects you with the child.
If you start off by complimenting them or letting them know that you love them, and then you follow with something, their behavior that you felt is not appropriate, they're more able to hear you than if you just start off criticizing. So again, it's always the relationship is what's most important. And if you nurture a loving, healthy relationship, the child is more going to be more open to hearing what you have to say. So again, back to the keys. It's letting them know that you love them for who they are, that they don't have to be produced more and more as the requirement for loving them, that you encourage that and you want them to be successful. But again, that that's separate from whether you love them or not. So those are some keys in parenting.
[00:36:09] Speaker B: And how about today, the helicopter parent, how does that affect a child?
[00:36:15] Speaker D: So by the helicopter parent, you're referring to one hovering over them, watching them very carefully.
And you have to be careful about the unspoken messages that are conveyed by your behavior. And when you're hypervigilant of a child overly into their lives hovering over them, you're giving them a message that you don't trust them. You're giving them a message that you don't think they know what or how to do, to do things. So you have to be there watching over them. And so again, when we set boundaries, we want to set those boundaries wide enough to allow children to experiment, explore, learn from their mistakes. But you set the boundaries so that they can't make big mistakes that can hurt them in the long run.
[00:37:12] Speaker B: And how do you deal with suggestions to kids where they're sitting around, they don't have anything to do. Why don't you call John, why don't you call Mike, get together, go do this activity, do that activity. And they don't know, I just want to be by myself.
What's a good way to do that?
[00:37:31] Speaker D: So if they say, I just want to be by myself, that needs to be respected, unless it's happening all the time. So there has to be some flexibility in approach, which is my 8th pillar of resilience. Flexibility.
And rather than give suggestions to your child, I encourage parents to find more creative ways to elicit options from your child so that you're giving them input that kind of inspires them to come up with their own ideas, and then only after nothing happens from that approach, you can come in with some suggestions.
[00:38:16] Speaker B: And how about over complimenting or complimenting saying you're so smart rather than say try your best.
[00:38:23] Speaker D: I think compliments are very important. In fact, as adults, I find that many of us have difficulty taking in compliments even when they're given to us. So I think it's important to compliment and to acknowledge successful behavior, good behavior, positive behavior. But you don't want to be doing it all the time where it devalues the compliment, where the child says, you know, I get up out of bed in my mother's or father saying great for getting out of bed.
It diminishes the impact of the compliment. So you want to make sure you give compliments, but you want to make sure you're giving it for appropriate behavior.
[00:39:10] Speaker B: And how about parents giving their power to their kids or not feeling enough power?
[00:39:17] Speaker D: Well, this is an important issue that you're bringing up, because many parents are insecure in their own power, and so they try to exert that power overly over their children.
When children get to the age of becoming adults, teenagers and becoming adults, one of the important functions that I find of parents is finding a healthy way for what I refer to as transfer of power.
You want to encourage, invite, and permit children to become more and more powerful as they become adults. You know, old, older societies, more primitive cultures, indigenous cultures usually have rituals that teenagers go through to become adults, and it signifies to them the ownership of power, the taking on of power as they become adults. We don't have that really, in our culture. So parents of teenagers need to find healthy ways in which they consciously turn over power to their children at the appropriate time and appropriate age.
[00:40:40] Speaker B: In your book, you talk about Susan Jackson's book, Flow and Sports, and that growth occurs only when there's a challenge and includes a level of uncertainty. Can you explain what that means?
[00:40:56] Speaker D: Yeah, this is so important in my concept of resilience, because resilience has been termed the ability to bounce back. And I've created a new concept of where resilience is the ability to bounce forward. And by that, I mean every time you have a stressful encounter, you want to learn the lesson of that encounter so that it grows your capacity and you handle the next stress in your life from a better place, a better position. And so this is how we find our stress sweet spot, by learning the lessons of each stressful encounter. So we grow from that experience.
And I can give you a particular example that's very relevant and very important if we have time right at this point.
[00:41:53] Speaker B: Yeah, please, please.
[00:41:55] Speaker D: So a lot of people feel very anxious when they're approaching a stressful situation. Anxious and they worry. And then the stress comes and they do well. They handle it well. Now they're relieved. But what most people take away from that situation is not consciously. But I was anxious, I was worried, and things turned out okay. And in our brains, we put those things together, anxiety, worry, and things turn out okay instead of the real lesson that needs to be taken away, which is I'm competent, I handle that stress well. I don't have to worry the next time. I don't have to be anxious the next time. It's the opposite of the message that most people take away from those situations. So that's what I mean by resilience, as the ability to bounce forward is to break away from old patterns, learn new lessons from that experience.
[00:42:59] Speaker B: Why do you think some people worry so much. You know, my family, my grandmother was a terrible worrier. My mother's a terrible worrier. Why do some people worry so much compared to others?
[00:43:12] Speaker D: Well, we really model behavior that our children learn from.
Not only do we model behavior, but our nervous system actually develops based on our relationship with our primary caregiver. So if we're a child and we have cramps and we're crying and we're upset, and the mother or the father gets nervous and worried and anxious because of how the baby is, the baby's nervous system learns to tune in and become attuned to that nervous system and develops a nervous system in relation to that. If instead the mother or father is calm, relaxed, the child develops a more calm and relaxed nervous system. So both on a biological, physiological level and on a emotional level, we model behavior of our parents. And so as adults, we don't simply accept that with a growth mindset. We say, I have to learn a better approach and not be so anxious or nervous, and I don't have to be that. I'm doing it because this is how I learned growing up and I could do it differently.
[00:44:33] Speaker B: Now, you know, I love the quote from Thomas Edison about failure, and we're going to talk about that when we get back. When we come back from the break, you're listening to wellness 1280 on open your eyes. Radio on am 1280. The patriot. I'm speaking with doctor Steven Sidoroff, psychologist. His book, nine Pillars of resilience, the proven path to master stress, slow aging, and increased vitality. We'll be right back.
[00:45:09] Speaker C: I went to the eye doctor the other day with my daughter Maggie. I was shocked when the doctor told me that my daughter was already becoming nearsighted. It turns out that this problem affects more than 40% of Americans. My eye doctor thinks this disease is getting worse. Perhaps it's getting worse because of kids prolonged time spent playing with smartphones, or maybe because kids now spend less time outside. My genetics probably aren't helping her a whole lot, being nearsighted myself. But the good news is that the doctor told me about a new FDA approved product called Mysite. This specific one day contact lens is already worn by thousands of children in the US. It is proven to slow down the progression of nearsightedness. And best of all, Maggie loves these contact lenses. The doctor taught her how to use them. Now it is so exciting to see her have even more success in the classroom. And when she plays sports. I recommend you visit openyoureyesradio.com to find an eye doctor that specializes in this treatment program. Learn
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[00:47:08] Speaker C: Dot I went to the eye doctor the other day with my daughter Maggie. I was shocked when the doctor told me that my daughter was already becoming nearsighted. It turns out that this problem affects more than 40% of Americans. My eye doctor thinks this disease is getting worse. Perhaps it's getting worse because of kids prolonged time spent playing with smartphones, or maybe because kids now spend less time outside. My genetics probably aren't helping her a whole lot, being nearsighted myself. But the good news is that the doctor told me about a new FDA approved product called Mysite. This specific one day contact lens lens is already worn by thousands of children in the US. It is proven to slow down the progression of nearsightedness. And best of all, Maggie loves these contact lenses. The doctor taught her how to use them. Now it is so exciting to see her have even more success in the classroom and when she plays sports. I recommend you visit openyoureyesradio.com to find an eye doctor that specializes in this treatment program. Learn
[email protected] dot I'm back with doctor.
[00:48:12] Speaker B: Steven Sideroff, internationally renowned psychologist. His book, the nine Pillars of resilience. Doctor Sidorov, before the break, we were talking about failure and what to do about failure. Is failure necessarily bad, or could it also be positive?
[00:48:30] Speaker D: Well, this goes to the heart of resilience, and that's how you respond to what happens to in your life. And again, I go back to my fifth pillar, mental balance and mastery, where one of the keys is having a growth mindset and a positive mindset. So that means if you make a mistake, if you have a failure. Rather than giving up, you try and learn from that experience. You mentioned Thomas Edison, and he failed until he succeeded.
We don't have to use the word fail. We could simply use the word feedback from the universe or from the world that lets us know whether we were on the right path or not, because the goal is always to find the right path. It's not to say I can't or I didn't. It's to say I haven't found it yet. And this is at the heart of my fifth pillar. And so I encourage everybody to and really take this positive attitude because it works so much better in becoming more resilient.
[00:49:37] Speaker B: I love the quote you have in your book with Thomas Jefferson. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. And that makes a lot of sense.
[00:49:45] Speaker D: Well, again, this gets to the heart of being resilient. The lessons of our childhood go in very deep because they are survival lessons. And our brain literally develops based on those lessons. That's the conditioning of our nervous system and our brain. And so, as adults, we have the other basic capacity of neuroplasticity, which means that we can literally reshape those neural networks. But the key is, as Thomas Jefferson said, hard work. The key is to be persistent and consistent, to set an intention of what you want, and then wake up every morning starting out with that intention. So you address it on a daily basis. Practice makes perfect whatever it is that you want to change or do better, it requires continual practice. And realizing that little by little, your brain is going to make adjustments. In fact, you know, the interesting thing is we've been talking for about a half hour, 45 minutes.
If this conversation is impactful to your audience, it has already started to create changes in your audience's brain just based on our conversation. That's how powerful neuroplasticity is. A half hour impactful encounter can begin shifting neural networks in our brain. And if we want to reset our brain and how we do our, do things in our lives, we have to be persistent with it.
[00:51:22] Speaker B: I want to answer about a difficult question. We got about seven minutes left from somebody who sent me a text dealing with grief and a loss of a child recently. I know somebody who lost a child and had to deal with grief. And then how does a person who is to comfort somebody that is dealing with grief and is feeling very uncomfortable to have to see somebody who lost a child, and they know they have to see them to help them in some way, but that's very uncomfortable as well. But of course, nothing like the person who lost a child. Dealing with grief.
[00:52:01] Speaker D: These are very difficult questions and very important questions in life. And what I want to say to everybody out there is one of the most important aspects of resilience is being able to accept what is being able to accept reality. When you lose somebody or something happens in your life, that's very difficult, but you can't change. One of the keys to resolving the grief inside yourself and moving on is coming from a place of acceptance. A lot of us don't want to accept things that are difficult. A lot of us don't want to even accept the feelings that we carry that are uncomfortable. So whether it's our own feelings or the feelings of others, when you come from a place of acceptance, it helps you be more present, which is my 7th pillar of resilience. And when you're more present, you're able to work through your own grief more readily, and you're able to be more present with someone that you're wanting to support who's going through their grief. Acceptance means I can sit here and be uncomfortable with you. And that's the best we could do in this moment. And if you are with somebody and you're present with them and you're holding a sacred space for them, that's the best thing that you can give to a friend or relative that you love. And if you could sit with yourself when you're going through your own difficult issues and simply be present with yourself and not run away, you get through it the best and the fastest. So acceptance is a very key component to resilience.
[00:53:47] Speaker B: I want to switch to another topic because that was a very difficult topic.
This is more of a positive topic dealing with. You work with executives who are very successful about being in the zone. Talk to or athletes that say they're being in the zone, talk to me about what that means and what are some of the key factors you found in very successful executives?
[00:54:12] Speaker D: Right. So one of the keys to being in the zone is allowing the flow of your behavior without stepping in and questioning yourself or judging yourself. With a lot of athletes, I had a tennis player that I worked with who had difficulty not judging himself because that's how his parent father was, is pushing him, pushing him, being critical and judgmental. And one of the biggest steps we took to break away and to improve, to really move to a higher level, was to be more accepting of how he performed. Now what do I mean by accepting? Well, if I give my best performance, I want to be accepting of that not critical or judgmental. And so this is true and important for everybody that's listening here. You give your best, and then you accept and appreciate that effort that you did rather than being critical and judgmental, because when you're critical and judgmental, you literally undermine your progress.
So I really encourage people to do your best. And then when you do your best, even if you make a mistake, be accepting, because that's the royal road to moving forward in your life.
[00:55:36] Speaker B: Talk about in this case, would being adaptability, being able to adapt.
[00:55:41] Speaker D: So adaptability really is at the heart of resilience. And throughout my book, I talk about different aspects of adapting. Adapting means being present to take in the impact of your own behavior and being willing and open to hear what other people have to say. So it's not only that you want other people to hear you when you give them feedback, you want to make sure you're open, which is a quality of resilience, to hear feedback from other people. And if it's coming from a loving place, if it's coming from a supportive place, take it in and use it for your own growth. So again, another very important key to resilience.
[00:56:30] Speaker B: You talked about the tennis player. How about the baseball player or tennis player that when they play, they kind of freeze because of a fair failure? How do they overcome something like that?
[00:56:43] Speaker D: Right? So that's the same, the same issue. It starts by recognizing your own internal voice. That's my pillar, number one, and very important in life to shift from a voice in which you can be judgmental and critical to a positive, loving voice. Now, many of us grow up thinking that I have to be hard on myself in order to push myself to do better. And my research demonstrates and shows that that's not the best approach, that coming from a more supportive, loving place, you get the best results.
[00:57:25] Speaker B: And for a parent, when a child does poorly and the child is upset, what would you recommend the parent do or say?
[00:57:33] Speaker D: I recommend they begin with compassion. If a child is did something poorly, I guarantee you the child is upset or more than the parent. So you start with compassion, letting the child know that you love them, even though they made that mistake. Then you can go ahead and work on improvement, but they'll be more open to that improvement if you start off with compassion.
[00:58:03] Speaker B: I'm speaking with Doctor Steven Sidoroff. Where can people find out more about you? Where should they go? What websites, etcetera?
[00:58:10] Speaker D: So my website is doctorstephansitteroff.com. and I have for your audience something very special. My resilience assessment booklet that they can get free and it describes my nine pillars. But it also has a questionnaire. They can take self score and derive their own resilience profile showing them their areas of strength in areas needing further growth.
[00:58:37] Speaker B: Doctor Steven Sidoroff, psychologist thank you for joining me on open your eyes radio with Doctor Kerry Gelp.
[00:58:43] Speaker D: It was a pleasure, very much a pleasure as well. And my books available in bookstores and on Amazon.
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